


I Always Need You

by AliceMcGee



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode: s02e12 You Are Not Your Own, Hurt Magnus, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Malec, post body swap with valentine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 13:37:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11442003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceMcGee/pseuds/AliceMcGee
Summary: Set after episode 2x12 - after that whole body swap thing.After Magnus is back in his body, Alec has no idea how to help his beloved boyfriend. The problem is, Magnus doesn’t either. He just needs some alone time to figure things out. But how far away can you expect Alec Lightwood to be when he knows Magnus isn’t okay?





	I Always Need You

**Author's Note:**

> Posted again after beta form lovely <http://alecolightwood.tumblr.com> \- thank you again! And thank you to <http://shadowhuntersbetas.tumblr.com/> for connecting me with her :)

Magnus was fed up with tossing and turning in bed, fed up with all these awful memories and flashbacks. Fed up with not knowing what to do about it, with his stupid mind not getting over that whole body swap thing not getting over the whole body swap thing even though it had been days since the ordeal. He’d already tried drinking, screaming, hitting a punching bag, hitting a wall, crying and trying to sleep it off, but none of it proved effective. He got up from the bed, feeling awfully sober again, and went to the living room to fix himself a drink to give alcohol one more chance to solve this. It was just after two o’clock in the morning. 

He started pacing through his loft, picking up random stuff and tossing it away, not being able to concentrate on anything. The anger and terror had already mostly worn off, but the feeling of a hollow emptiness inside still lingered and there was no way he could think of to fill it.

Except there was one thing he hadn’t tried, something that had been circling his thoughts for quite some time, one he stubbornly refused to try. And it would be rude, calling Alec at this time. On the other hand, Alec did seem sincere when he suggested Magnus called him anytime he needed to. Maybe it was time for him to take this leap of faith, to trust that his boyfriend really, truly cared about him this much.

He took a big gulp of whiskey to summon his courage. As he dialed Alec’s number, he came to a decision - he'd let it ring three times and if Alec didn't answer then he would deal with this situation on his own. He was a big boy, after all. Grown up. Adult. Hundreds of years old Downworlder. High Warlock of Brooklyn. He had this.

Still, his hands were trembling as he held the phone to his ear.

And then he jumped in alarm as a loud, ringing noise came from behind the door. He looked at it wearily and went closer. The sound matched the dial tone coming from his phone and suddenly, Magnus could feel something warm trying to fill the emptiness. He opened the door and of course, there he was, sitting on the floor across the entrance to Magnus’ loft, leaning against the wall. There were still traces of sleep in his eyes as he was fumbling through his pockets, looking for the ringing phone. Magnus hung up.

“Alexander,” he said, his voice tight, startling Alec.

“Oh. Um, hey,” Alec waved at him awkwardly and stood up, looking rather sheepish.

“You’ve been here since you left?” Magnus asked incredulously. He had had no idea Alec would do something like that and it felt strangely reassuring.

“Kind of… I left the building, but then I came back, sorry if that’s weird or creepy,” Alec ran his hand through his hair, ruffling it in the process. “It’s just… you said you wanted to be alone and I totally get it. But I really didn’t want to be too far in case of… well.” His voice trailed off and he shifted from one foot to another uncomfortably.

“So you slept in a hallway?” Magnus asked, although the answer was very obvious.

“I didn’t plan to sleep, I just dozed off. Look, again, I’m sorry if that’s weird. I’ll go to the Institute if you want me to, promise.” He finally took in the phone Magnus was holding and connected it to the sound that had woken him up. “Anyways, you called?”

Magnus step aside from the entrance. “Care to join me for a drink?” he offered, his voice suddenly uncertain.

“Sure.” Alec entered and shrugged off his jacket. Magnus noticed that he was almost completely armored. That couldn’t be comfortable, sleeping while sitting on the floor like this, and it broke his heart a little that his boyfriend cared so much. He masked it by fixing Alec a drink.

“Let’s get one thing straight,” he said when he turned back to him. “I don’t want to talk about Valentine. Not yet.”

“Alright,” Alec nodded and took the glass, sitting down on sofa, taking off his various holsters and weapons and setting them on the side table. It was an impressive collection. His face didn’t betray any hurt or surprised feelings as Magnus sat  across from him instead of next to him. They sipped their drinks and there was a silence which at first seemed tense to Magnus, but then he realized Alec wasn’t expecting anything from him. He just… was. Real. Here. Quiet and calm and strong as a rock. Ready to help him through, but willing to wait for him to want it. It was nice feeling, to have him there. The silence immediately felt nice, too.

Minutes ticked by and Magnus started to feel more at ease, as if Alec were emitting some calming waves and Magnus were receiving them, tuning in. 

Finally, he cleared his throat. “I must say, I didn’t expect to find you like this.”

“Yeah, sorry-”

“Don’t apologize.”

“Okay. Well, you said you wanted to be alone, but you had this look in your eyes… You sometimes do. Like it’s just you against the whole world. Like you’re on your own. But you’re not, I’m with you no matter what. But I didn’t want to make you feel like I was… like I wanted something from you. I just thought I should stay close, in case you needed me,” Alec finished and hastily sipped his drink, trying to hide his flushed face in the glass.

“You know I can create Portals, right?” Magnus reminded him gently.

“Yeah. But I didn’t like the thought of you being so alone and I didn’t want you to do anything more than call, if you came to a conclusion you needed me. Is that stalky?” Alec asked, uncertain.

“Given the circumstances, I’d say no. I never said how far you should go, after all.” Magnus smirked, finished his drink and reached for the bottle to refill it. Alec looked away for a moment and then caught Magnus’ gaze, his eyes full of love. 

“Look, I don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you into anything. If you want to be left alone, if you’re not comfortable with me being in the hallway, I promise I will go to the Institute. But if you think it would help you, having me here, let me stay. Me being here, that’s not about me, not even a little bit, I don’t expect anything from you. I just want you to feel safe, I want you to  _ be _ safe. So just tell me what do you want me to do or, if you don’t know that, tell what not to do, and I promise I will do it. Or not do it,” he finished, his voice dripping with concern.

Magnus took a while to ponder over those words and finally, something inside him broke down and he let himself feel as vulnerable as his soul was demanding. It was terrifying, but at the same time, liberating. He was so tired, managing all these walls. Maybe he really didn’t have to go through this alone, maybe there was a shoulder to lean on, maybe there were two strong, rune-marked arms to steady him if he stumbled. Maybe there was a way to feel safe, even just for a night, just for couple of hours. He took a deep breath. 

“All right. Can you sleep with me tonight? I mean… sleep sleep, not  _ sleep _ sleep. I mean…” His voice betrayed him, breaking a little. There was a pressure behind his eyelids, but he didn’t dare give in to it. Not yet. “Can you hold me? Just for this night.”

“For any night, as long as you need me.” Alec’s voice was low and steady.

“I always need you,” Magnus breathed out.

“Then I’ll always be with you,” Alec promised and with that, Magnus finally got up and went to his side to snuggle up to him. His heart melted as Alec’s strong arms closed around him and his calloused fingers started to stroke his hair leisurely, occasionally kissing his temple. It wasn’t erotic or sensual. It was warm and reassuring and sweet and it was finally driving away the last traces of the emptiness he’d felt.

He knew this wasn’t some magical solution, he knew the flashbacks and nightmares would come back again, he knew his fight with it was far from over. He also knew that when life's hard, it’s all the more important to value every moment of peace, no matter how short and temporary, how little and minor it might seem.

He wasn’t alone in this. And that was probably the only thing that mattered.


End file.
